“...so you’re sure of it then?”
‘Yes.’ The word came out like a sentence. I’ve never felt this way about any one or any thing before. My eyes shifted. I thought back to times that had already passed and felt myself exhale, reassured. For a tiny second I contemplated the fallibility of memory and the subtle disproof of having already accounted for self bias. I looked back at him. Well what do you think, what do you say?
“I think that you’ve come a long way, baby.”
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“What is it that you like about her?”
‘How much time do you have?’ The second question had not yet answered the first, it was true, but sounded malicious and hung in the air. The man caught on quick. We’d seemingly just sat down, and yet the union already felt rushed.
“Ok. How about the things that you don’t like about her?” I looked him in the eye.
‘Only one comes to mind.’
An eyebrow raised, and the answer seemed to come quick. “Oh?” said the man, his skin for a moment creased in the corner of his eye, years of experience evident in the wrinkle that formed. “And what’s that?” The answer that came implicated us both.
‘The drinking.’
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“So what make you think that you two won’t just take each other down?”
For the first time in my life it felt like i had all the right answers, yet i still felt powerless. ‘We’d be stronger together.’ I said, getting dizzy. I felt the room go in reverse. It was true, and i had been given enough time to think about, but what was also true was that when we were together i had not treated her as she deserved. The old man snapped his fingers in my face, instantly reviving me from the flashback. “So you have changed - but what about you has changed?” I had to internalize the question, to face it, re-live it and and become the answer again. ‘I had to find myself,’ i said, finally calm, ‘to learn how to love myself, and though i have bad days - i do.’
I felt dizzy again. My second thought was that yes, maybe i had finally grown up.
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Fast-forward to today. I remind myself that everything happens for a reason. I’ve been getting up earlier more naturally, yet still hungover. We all need projects to work on, and i feel that I’m a good project. I work on myself for a little bit thinking in my head about how this project will never end. I think back to previous projects - the things that i kept failing at when i tried to do them alone. I found that i just needed a little bit of help from someone that knew what to do, had done it before, overcome it and could kind of take me there and show me the right way, like a friend - in a friendly way.
‘That’s what i think i can do for her’ i tell the old man as i get up to leave. I don’t wait for a response, but i know that he agrees.
(( e. allweil 2018 ))
